Day 3- self sabotage

I fell.  Fast and hard. I’m not even sure why.  It started with the fudge square I had resisted on the return Dallas trip.  Then I needed a sandwich as I sought out protein,  then on to finish off the ice cream. Then the chocolate Christmas trees became irresistible.   Was I craving energy from the lack of sleep of waking up to a sick and feverish son? Maybe it was the white bread,  i read somewhere it can cause a craving for sweets. Was it that I was frustrated I couldn’t ever get in a run as I kept watch over my son’s fever that seemed to return on the hour? Maybe it’s because it’s my time of the month?  Or maybe,  I can find any excuse so long as I choose to look for one.  I couldn’t go 2 days,  how can I go a lifetime?  I feel like a failure,  like I suck,  like I will never get out of my own way.  That was yesterday,  today is new, I get another chance to begin again.

Take 2.

I may be down,  but I’m not out

I just need time to settle the score

You knocked me down,  but u haven’t won

I’ve come back fighting for more.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy

But damn u know just how to bring me down.

You know my weakness and my hurts

And just how to make me drown.

But that last gasp wasn’t my last

As I come back struggling for breath

You may have pinned me to the mat

But I refuse to give up or relent.

Round one to u, crippling despair,

For bringing me to my knees

But I must crawl before I can stand

The next round will be my victory.


Day 2

Woke up this morning to a son with a severe fever. He was so hot to the touch, I immediately gave him some children’s advil. It hit so suddenly. My son is 8 years old and just yesterday we were throwing the football around and this morning, he’s in tears because he’s feeling so bad. In the past he has been prone to catching pneumonia, so I am on high alert every time he gets any kind of a cold. He has been hospitalize 4 times. It’s crazy because he’s a super active kid, playing soccer, basketball, and baseball. He’s mad the all star team 3 times and his team has made it into the championship a few times. Still for whatever reason, his lungs can’t seem to handle the simplest cold. The fever was at 102 an hour after the medicine so to the doctor we went and he was officially tested for the flu and yes, he had it. My poor son, he’s been laying on the couch all day, which of course is the perfect day for me, but for him, it’s torture at its finest. As soon as he nods off, I’m planning to hit the treadmill. Before the doctor visit I had a yogurt, for lunch lentil soup and after shopping for orange juice and other healthy fruits and vegetables (my husband was home to watch him while I did this) I came home starving, quickly whipped up a salad with Asian dressing, (totally combed the salad dressing aisle for about an hour, I am not typically a salad person) and toasted some bread and cheese in the oven (a snack my son wanted alongside his soup and I can’t resist the smell.) According to ‘fitness pal’ I’m 60 calories over my daily allotment due to the high fat cheese. Oh well, I’ll get in a run tonight to make up for it. Problem is I’m still hungry, maybe I’m not, but it’s taking every ounce of willpower not to raid the kitchen for junk. I can do this, I can do this, I’ll let you know tomorrow if I actually can do this. Why can’t this be easier???

Day 1

Finally,  started.  I did good yesterday, until the new year’s party.  Not much food,  but every drink in the world was thrown at me. Usually I’m game for some mixed drink cocktails and by some, I mean I’ll take mine in a mop bucket just to save time. But last night, I nursed my drink to keep the cup in my hand, but still,  according to my family (mostly my niece who’s not much younger than me) I just HAD to try every concoction. The wine cupcakes didn’t help either. But today, so far so good. I woke up late,  way late and started with some yogurt. Took a slow 4 mile run on the treadmill that usually doubles as an excellent coat rack by the way. I have it set up so I can watch my guilty pleasure (Gilmore Girls), one episode is just enough time. I then ate a dinner of peas and carrots,  rice and oven baked tilapia filets. I am stuffed and excited about my new journey. Day one down,  a lifetime to go.

inner magic

If I had just one wish

It would be to rewind the time,

To once again,  have another chance

To take control of my life.

It’s hard to pinpoint now

Just where I lost control;

Where the steering wheel slipped and the tire ripped

And I dove into a forward roll.

My flesh has become my prison,

My food the key to my chains,

Cold and dead they hold me

And keep me from battling again.

It’s a warring of the mind

As I seek out my escape;

I need no gun to carry on

Only the will to make a change.

But it’s light grows ever dimmer

With each passing year

As my hope grows even slimmer

And my spirit is shorn and sheered.

But today I take my stand,

Even as my shoulders cower and bend,

And I proclaim my freedom

Just above a whispered breath.

I don’t have any faith

That I will ever escape this place.

All I know, with withering hope,

Is I will die if I remain.

Day 0

Who do I want to be?

I don’t know that I know that yet. I’m still picking up the pieces. I’ve let myself go, not just go, but get lost for a long time. I feel like I’m finding way back, but I can’t, I mean I’m not who I used be, but I’m also not who I am. Somehow I need to piece together all the things that once were, are and might come to be. As a young girl, I was sarcastic and ready to get in a verbal squabble with anyone. My younger sister would get so frustrated, she usually smacked me or shoved me because she couldn’t think of any comebacks. And I loved fighting with boys, knocking them down a couple of notches was a favorite past time of mine. I played every sport, volleyball, basketball, track (long and triple jump) and I was in the top 10%. That’s who I was, but that’s just not me anymore.

I’m soft, from my stomach to my spirit. I’ve lost my edge. I’ve lost my focus, I’ve lost me. I don’t know what it looks like to put me back together, but I know at least recognizing the person in the mirror is a good place to start. I don’t want to become just anyone, I want to become me, but at the moment, I’m not entirely sure who that is yet. I have goals, I have purpose, but I have lost sight of them for so long, I feel myself floundering and feeling hopeless about getting my ass off the fucking couch. My will has been tormented by a cheating husband and a job that offers little for advancement. It’s a struggle, it hurts, but I know I’m the one that will have to make the changes, so here goes, a new year, a new me, whatever that means.

Who am I

I don’t know that I know

My will is willing

But my spirit is low.

The face in the mirror

Is like a cartoon

Stupid carbs and bars

I thought I consumed.

But they consumed me

In self loathing and self doubt,

Convicted, addicted,

Now I can’t do without.

What right have I

To even try?

Not worth the effort

When I know I’ll fail like last time.

But even now

I cant go on

Not like this

The world has won.

I must admit

I’ve come undone

Time to commit

Lesson One.

day -1

We are driving back from Dallas after visiting my niece who is in Texas for the military Bowl game. She’s beautiful,  a cheerleader and a student in her sophomore year at the Naval Academy. I don’t get to see her often,  but why, is another story. She turns 21 in less than a month and I cant help but think about the person I was early in my 20s, a decade ago.  Energetic,  thin;  outgoing and ready to take on the world. I’m just not that person anymore. I’m over 50 pounds heavier,  but at this rate it may as well be 100 pounds.  I’m sluggish,  I’m tired and achy,  I basically suck physically. So when it come time to take pictures with this gorgeous girl,  I just want to run and hide. I do the best I can to stand in the back,  my son in front of me covering my huge belly. It doesn’t help much since my face is a plump cartoon version of me. I’m smiling,  but I’m embarrassed and I hate the person I’ve become. So here it goes, I’m done. I cant do this anymore. I cant shoulder the weight,  screw the weight,  its the burden of it I can no longer bear. My journey starts now,  today, okay,  well maybe tomorrow. I mean I cant very well let this chewy praline fudge square I just got at bucccees go to waste. Right?