Day 0

Who do I want to be?

I don’t know that I know that yet. I’m still picking up the pieces. I’ve let myself go, not just go, but get lost for a long time. I feel like I’m finding way back, but I can’t, I mean I’m not who I used be, but I’m also not who I am. Somehow I need to piece together all the things that once were, are and might come to be. As a young girl, I was sarcastic and ready to get in a verbal squabble with anyone. My younger sister would get so frustrated, she usually smacked me or shoved me because she couldn’t think of any comebacks. And I loved fighting with boys, knocking them down a couple of notches was a favorite past time of mine. I played every sport, volleyball, basketball, track (long and triple jump) and I was in the top 10%. That’s who I was, but that’s just not me anymore.

I’m soft, from my stomach to my spirit. I’ve lost my edge. I’ve lost my focus, I’ve lost me. I don’t know what it looks like to put me back together, but I know at least recognizing the person in the mirror is a good place to start. I don’t want to become just anyone, I want to become me, but at the moment, I’m not entirely sure who that is yet. I have goals, I have purpose, but I have lost sight of them for so long, I feel myself floundering and feeling hopeless about getting my ass off the fucking couch. My will has been tormented by a cheating husband and a job that offers little for advancement. It’s a struggle, it hurts, but I know I’m the one that will have to make the changes, so here goes, a new year, a new me, whatever that means.

Who am I

I don’t know that I know

My will is willing

But my spirit is low.

The face in the mirror

Is like a cartoon

Stupid carbs and bars

I thought I consumed.

But they consumed me

In self loathing and self doubt,

Convicted, addicted,

Now I can’t do without.

What right have I

To even try?

Not worth the effort

When I know I’ll fail like last time.

But even now

I cant go on

Not like this

The world has won.

I must admit

I’ve come undone

Time to commit

Lesson One.

day -1

We are driving back from Dallas after visiting my niece who is in Texas for the military Bowl game. She’s beautiful,  a cheerleader and a student in her sophomore year at the Naval Academy. I don’t get to see her often,  but why, is another story. She turns 21 in less than a month and I cant help but think about the person I was early in my 20s, a decade ago.  Energetic,  thin;  outgoing and ready to take on the world. I’m just not that person anymore. I’m over 50 pounds heavier,  but at this rate it may as well be 100 pounds.  I’m sluggish,  I’m tired and achy,  I basically suck physically. So when it come time to take pictures with this gorgeous girl,  I just want to run and hide. I do the best I can to stand in the back,  my son in front of me covering my huge belly. It doesn’t help much since my face is a plump cartoon version of me. I’m smiling,  but I’m embarrassed and I hate the person I’ve become. So here it goes, I’m done. I cant do this anymore. I cant shoulder the weight,  screw the weight,  its the burden of it I can no longer bear. My journey starts now,  today, okay,  well maybe tomorrow. I mean I cant very well let this chewy praline fudge square I just got at bucccees go to waste. Right?