Day 0

Who do I want to be?

I don’t know that I know that yet. I’m still picking up the pieces. I’ve let myself go, not just go, but get lost for a long time. I feel like I’m finding way back, but I can’t, I mean I’m not who I used be, but I’m also not who I am. Somehow I need to piece together all the things that once were, are and might come to be. As a young girl, I was sarcastic and ready to get in a verbal squabble with anyone. My younger sister would get so frustrated, she usually smacked me or shoved me because she couldn’t think of any comebacks. And I loved fighting with boys, knocking them down a couple of notches was a favorite past time of mine. I played every sport, volleyball, basketball, track (long and triple jump) and I was in the top 10%. That’s who I was, but that’s just not me anymore.

I’m soft, from my stomach to my spirit. I’ve lost my edge. I’ve lost my focus, I’ve lost me. I don’t know what it looks like to put me back together, but I know at least recognizing the person in the mirror is a good place to start. I don’t want to become just anyone, I want to become me, but at the moment, I’m not entirely sure who that is yet. I have goals, I have purpose, but I have lost sight of them for so long, I feel myself floundering and feeling hopeless about getting my ass off the fucking couch. My will has been tormented by a cheating husband and a job that offers little for advancement. It’s a struggle, it hurts, but I know I’m the one that will have to make the changes, so here goes, a new year, a new me, whatever that means.

Who am I

I don’t know that I know

My will is willing

But my spirit is low.

The face in the mirror

Is like a cartoon

Stupid carbs and bars

I thought I consumed.

But they consumed me

In self loathing and self doubt,

Convicted, addicted,

Now I can’t do without.

What right have I

To even try?

Not worth the effort

When I know I’ll fail like last time.

But even now

I cant go on

Not like this

The world has won.

I must admit

I’ve come undone

Time to commit

Lesson One.

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