Day 1

Finally,  started.  I did good yesterday, until the new year’s party.  Not much food,  but every drink in the world was thrown at me. Usually I’m game for some mixed drink cocktails and by some, I mean I’ll take mine in a mop bucket just to save time. But last night, I nursed my drink to keep the cup in my hand, but still,  according to my family (mostly my niece who’s not much younger than me) I just HAD to try every concoction. The wine cupcakes didn’t help either. But today, so far so good. I woke up late,  way late and started with some yogurt. Took a slow 4 mile run on the treadmill that usually doubles as an excellent coat rack by the way. I have it set up so I can watch my guilty pleasure (Gilmore Girls), one episode is just enough time. I then ate a dinner of peas and carrots,  rice and oven baked tilapia filets. I am stuffed and excited about my new journey. Day one down,  a lifetime to go.

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inner magic

If I had just one wish

It would be to rewind the time,

To once again,  have another chance

To take control of my life.

It’s hard to pinpoint now

Just where I lost control;

Where the steering wheel slipped and the tire ripped

And I dove into a forward roll.

My flesh has become my prison,

My food the key to my chains,

Cold and dead they hold me

And keep me from battling again.

It’s a warring of the mind

As I seek out my escape;

I need no gun to carry on

Only the will to make a change.

But it’s light grows ever dimmer

With each passing year

As my hope grows even slimmer

And my spirit is shorn and sheered.

But today I take my stand,

Even as my shoulders cower and bend,

And I proclaim my freedom

Just above a whispered breath.

I don’t have any faith

That I will ever escape this place.

All I know, with withering hope,

Is I will die if I remain.

Day 0

Who do I want to be?

I don’t know that I know that yet. I’m still picking up the pieces. I’ve let myself go, not just go, but get lost for a long time. I feel like I’m finding way back, but I can’t, I mean I’m not who I used be, but I’m also not who I am. Somehow I need to piece together all the things that once were, are and might come to be. As a young girl, I was sarcastic and ready to get in a verbal squabble with anyone. My younger sister would get so frustrated, she usually smacked me or shoved me because she couldn’t think of any comebacks. And I loved fighting with boys, knocking them down a couple of notches was a favorite past time of mine. I played every sport, volleyball, basketball, track (long and triple jump) and I was in the top 10%. That’s who I was, but that’s just not me anymore.

I’m soft, from my stomach to my spirit. I’ve lost my edge. I’ve lost my focus, I’ve lost me. I don’t know what it looks like to put me back together, but I know at least recognizing the person in the mirror is a good place to start. I don’t want to become just anyone, I want to become me, but at the moment, I’m not entirely sure who that is yet. I have goals, I have purpose, but I have lost sight of them for so long, I feel myself floundering and feeling hopeless about getting my ass off the fucking couch. My will has been tormented by a cheating husband and a job that offers little for advancement. It’s a struggle, it hurts, but I know I’m the one that will have to make the changes, so here goes, a new year, a new me, whatever that means.

Who am I

I don’t know that I know

My will is willing

But my spirit is low.

The face in the mirror

Is like a cartoon

Stupid carbs and bars

I thought I consumed.

But they consumed me

In self loathing and self doubt,

Convicted, addicted,

Now I can’t do without.

What right have I

To even try?

Not worth the effort

When I know I’ll fail like last time.

But even now

I cant go on

Not like this

The world has won.

I must admit

I’ve come undone

Time to commit

Lesson One.